Thursday, December 03, 2009

3D Valentine Card Still Bloody Boring

My Bloody Valentine 3D

Over the last few weeks I have slowly been catching up on some of the horror flicks that have come out this year. Two movies in particular, Paranormal Activity and My Bloody Valentine 3D, have exceeded expectations at the box-office but for vastly different reasons. Today I will focus on the latter and leave Paranormal for another day.

James Cameron’s much anticipated film, Avatar, is suppose to be the picture that finally legitimize the 3D movie industry. Yet I would argue that My Bloody Valentine 3D is reason enough why the 3D revolution should end. Sitting just behind The Final Destination as the second highest grossing non-family oriented 3D movie to be released this year, My Bloody Valentine proudly displays everything that is wrong with both modern horror films and 3D movies in general.

Set in a small town mining community, Tom Hanninger (Jensen Ackles) and his girlfriend Sarah (Jamie King), along with pals Axel (Kerr Smith) and Irene (Betsy Rue), attend a Valentine’s Day party at the infamous Tunnel No. 5 section of the local mine. A few weeks prior to the party, Tunnel No. 5 was the site of a horrendous accident in which 6 miners were trapped underground for six days. As coincidence would have it, Tom's careless mistake while on the job is what actually led to the mine collapsing in the first place. When the miners are eventually found only one, Harry Warden (Richard John Walters), is still alive. It seems that, for reasons no one knows, Harry snapped while trapped underground and killed all of his co-workers. Through a series of nonsensical events Harry ends up in a coma and is hospitalized. Or so the town thinks.... Harry magically awakes in times for Valentine's Day and goes on a killing spree unlike anything the town has ever seen before. Flash forward 10 years, with Harry supposedly dead, and the body count start to pile up again. Has Harry Wardern comeback from the dead to finish what he started? Was he even dead to begin with? More importantly, can the killer be stopped before it is too late?

2009 has been the year of the 3D movie and, to be frank, the madness needs to stop. My Bloody Valentine only helps to prove that the 3D explosion is nothing more than a gimmicky cash cow for Hollywood. The whole movie is basically a series of set ups to provide the director, Patrick Lussier, opportunities to throw objects at the screen. There is nothing remotely authentic or interesting about the whole production.

My Bloody Valentine 3D even fails in comparison to the other horror remakes, such as Friday the 13th, released this year. At least Friday the 13thremake knew how to balance both the campiness and the gore of the slasher genre. When My Bloody Valentine is not focusing on the 3D silliness it seems to be rather lost as to what to do next. As a result, Lussier ups the gore to ridiculous and uninspiring levels every chance he gets. Also, to fill the nudity requirement, Lussier has Besty Rue walk around nude in a scene that was clearly designed with 13 year-old boys in mind. Yet even Rue's ample physic cannot distract us from how awful the movie is. The acting is horrible, and not in the so bad it is good way, and the plotting is pedestrian. Worst of all My Bloody Valentine does not have a single good scare in the entire picture. Maybe Avatar will ultimately change my mind about the whole 3D movie experience but, as it stands, I think Hollywood should finally put a nail in the 3D coffin.

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